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WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS. LIKE A MAD DOG BARKING AT ME. SO ANNOYING. IM WITHHOLDING THE USE OF VULGARITIES BECAUSE IT'S UNCOUTH AND NOT REALLY NICE BUT I JUST NEED TO VENT MY ANGER. SHE'LL BE SORRY WHEN IM DEAD AND GONE. SHE WILL BE. I WOULDN'T WANT AN "ELDER SISTER" LIKE HER WHO ATTEMPTS (AND FAILS) TO DICTATE MY LIFE. YOU KNOW, YOUR HOT HEADEDNESS WILL GET YOU NO WHERE. PLEASE LEARN TO COMMUNICATE PROPERLY WITH PEOPLE. I BET YOU, YOU DON'T SHOUT LIKE THAT TO YOUR FRIENDS. I KNOW I DON'T. WHY? BECAUSE MY FRIENDS UNDERSTAND ME. YOU DON'T. WHEN WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE CLOSEST PEOPLE ON EARTH, WE'RE IN FACT SO FAR APART. THAT'S WHY I NEVER TOLD YOU ANYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME SO FAR BECAUSE I KNEW YOU WOULD TELL ON ME AND YOU WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES. LIFE IS MORE THAN BEING RATIONAL. YOU'RE OVERDOING IT. PLEASE HAVE MORE EQ IN YOUR LIFE. YOU'LL BE SUCCESSFUL, I'M SURE BUT YOU WON'T BE HAPPY. I CAN ONLY PRAY THAT YOU'LL BE MORE UNDERSTANDING IN TALKING TO ME. THIS IS ME, JUST ACCEPT IT. HAVEN'T YOU LEARNT IN CHURCH THAT GOD MADE EACH AND EVERYONE OF US DIFFERENT? WHY MUST YOU TRY TO CHANGE ME TO BE ONE OF THOSE RATIONAL GEEKS? I LIKE BEING MY DRAMATIC SELF. THAT'S THE REAL ME. PLEASE BE MORE LIBERAL AND OPEN. WHAT KIND OF WORLD ARE WE LIVING IN! PLUS COME ON, YOU'RE SO YOUNG STILL, LET LOOSE A LITTLE. I CAN ONLY FEEL FOR YOU. CRYING REALLY HARD NOW...............

I realised my last post was on 1.8.2011. That's like uber far back in time! How time truly flies!

It's gonna be the start of a New Year in 2 days! I need to get my list of NYRs (New Year Resolutions) done soon.

Well, some pieces of good news:

1) Croatia, here I come in 2013!

2) Thank you, Lord for blessing me with a second major in Political Science! Now I need your help in my studies more than ever.

3) 0.03 CAP improvement :) But I believe I am capable of better!

4) Finally saw dear Al at P's early xmas party and Al drove me all the way home:)

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about the things that happened over the year - the tears and pespirations; the smiles and laughter...looking back, 2011 is indeed a memorable year that pricks me. I am looking forward to 2012 with a huge grin on my face because I want things to be good the coming year. I want to shine like the stars in the universe, I want to be ME, the best I can ever be,I want to love God and obey His Word more than I have ever done. I want to learn to keep counting my blessings and motivate myself in terms of academics, physicality, mental strength whatever. I want to be a blessing to others and develop good sensibility as I turn 21. So many things I want to achieve. I know I can do it, with God's help. (that's the one line I'll never forget from reciting the prefects' pledge in junior school).

Anyway, pardon me for all these rambling and incoherence (I think). I'm far too tired to think straight and logically. Handling the SMUN'12 Sponsorship Director is such a HUGE handful! But i will fight on!!! So with that AT 12:45AM on my wall clock, I bid the world farewell and goodnight! I will be back with a New Year post! (Hopefully, if I can find pockets of time like this!)

Love Bites.

Companions.

Not friends.

Different.

Best ftiends?

Yeah, why not right?

xx

Why are heartaches always so hard to remedy? Nobody has the answer to this. Nobody but God. Why is it that man has to hurt his fellow man? Why must this pain and hurt take so long to recover? It takes 5 minutes to hurt a person but it takes a year for the wound to heal. Why?

The past 2 months will be dearly treasured. I'll take them with me wherever I am. They say first loves always have a special place in a woman's heart. There's no doubt about that. The 7 month break was enough for me to handle. I'm not angry with you for doing this because love ain't selfish. I hope your Japanese fiancee will come and marry you soon enough. But please don't invite me to your wedding. I'm just wondering now where I am - in your mind? in your eyes? in your heart? or not there at all. Cos after all, we're being reduced to just being friends. I pray there'll come a day when I can call you and say I don't love you anymore. I'm just waiting for that day. But do you know, waiting is so painful?

The watch you gave me, the piece of jade, the one and only letter you wrote and all the animal souvenirs... ... they remind me too much of you, too much. I have entertained the intention of burning all of them, but they are really just too precious to me. I just want to hold your hand once more and touch your face once more....that's all I'm asking for. It's so hard. Maybe what she said was right that I'm lonely and perhaps desperate for somebody to love and to love me. Just that I have always been in self-denial. July 29, 2011 was the day that this denial made itself clear to me.

Friends? Yes, def. I still want to keep in contact with you. You owe me too much, too much. All the things I did, remember, I did it purely out of love. Not obligation or for selfish interests, purely out of love. & yes, I still love you bunnny.

xx

I was looking at our past photos. we had so much fun, laughter and drama, of course. It was one hell of a thrill ride. It was fun. It was cool. And I treasured everything we shared. I thought we were gonna be invincible, inseparable.

But well, God just loves to spring surprises at us. No matter how much we've contributed, this is the reality we humans have got to face. Sometimes, some give more, while others give less. But who is to really say who has given more or given less. I sure am in no position to do so, for each bond that has been constructed, I treasure them all. If it's gonna be a mutual release, why should i continue to grip onto something that ain't hopeful already.

Baking. Cookies. Cupcakes. Bread. Yadayadayada. They are definitely not an indication of my guilt. No. Never. Instead, they represent my love and care for those around me. I want these people to be happy. But many a time, your wants are being overlooked and things cannot always go the way you want them to. That's a fact (too). Gulp it down like a man, even if you're a woman. It's hard to get used to it, to the idea, to the non-presence, but eventually I will.

Someone once told me, "I won't be in your life forever". But i would like to say, even if that person/persons wont be in my life forever, they'll still be kept in my heart, even when i'm dead and gone. You guys are dear to me. The recent spade of events has caused a huge, perhaps devastating eruption to the normality that we once embraced. Everything is changing. Everything has changed. But the fact still remains that we had good times together, only now that the real truth has been unveiled that I finally realized that I was colorblind.

i was browsing a friend's blog and realized how vivid her life was. like she told 'le monde' what she was doing, how things were with her and her friends. my blog pales in comparison to her. it's as if she has more friends than i do. it's as if she's got a LIFE, and me, what LIFE do i have? it's studying and taking the train to nus and bus-ing back and forth, back and forth. and on weekends when everybody sleeps in, i'm up early at amk,waiting patiently for 138 to send me to mandai for work. it's not that i find it troublesome, it's because i like it. even without a LIFE, i still have a place on weekends where people create messes for me to clear up, where people throw adult tantrums at us, where the smile on the faces of toddlers just make our day! i love my colleagues cos we're crazy and we share the same sentiments generally even if we do not explicitly display them. <3

i'm just wondering the kind of life i'd be living, having such freedom to party out late, having the same number (and assuming same closeness that we share). i'm just thinking if my life's really all too boring and whether i'm taking things too seriously. or am i leading my life the right way? the God-centred way? i'm thinking if my life would be different if someone loved me and spent his nights with me. i'm just thinking if i were close to my friends living overseas, what kind of life would i be living right now? it's the midst of exams and revisions but i can't help but be posed with such seemingly simple, yet unfathomable questions at this instant. it's on the spur of the moment. my future possibilities are never-ending. what tomorrow will bring, what the day after tomorrow will bring, who can say? we can draw up plans but eventually, nobody has the power to take things into his own two hands for there's a higher Being in control of everything. it is thus my prayer that i shall find comfort in the unknown, cos we never know whether it's good/bad, happy/sad. it is also my prayer that He sends an angel into my life to watch over me and accompanies me on the go. it is also my prayer that this angel loves me for who i am and for my love for Him. it is my prayer that my possibilities are infinite and nobody will ever define what I am capable of doing and learning. it is my prayer that hope finds the hopeless. it is my prayer that love finds the unloved and hatred leaves the hurt.

and tomorrow, we shall commemorate Jesus's passing on the cross for our sins. it's somehow inappropriate here to convey religious messages and I shall only thank Him and let Him know that i'll be celebrating Easter when He resurrects! yeeehaawww(: i'mm get some easter eggs/bunnies for my kids at church.

i've got some time left before my first lecture. i thought i'd just post something today.

my wishes for everybody today: i hope your week has been awfully well, it's friday tmr! so don't look so down. everyday is a chance to do something new, something fun, something right. we can never be perfect, but we can do things to help us feel well, to brighten our day and impacting the lives of others. we can always make a difference in the lives of others and ourselves too! no matter what, keep looking forward, never back. it's hard but we all got to try. life's too damn short to wallow in sadness. all that shit about 'we must fight for happiness', don't. you can try finding it, but don't keep your hopes high. most importantly, you got to trust and have faith. (:

okay, gotta run now folks.

& because i never knew, the knowledge of it hit me in my face. the weight of it was just too much to handle. on top of it, other issues reeled itself into my hands. I try to suppress, but found myself unable to do so. it was just too immense. my guilt and shame, oh how i wonder how i could have done that. i am so ashamed of myself. my fear of hurting others has resulted in me actualizing such an act. i am in pain. but, i've got nowhere to turn to cos i don't want them to carry my burdens along with them. they have their own situations too. i want to drink, consume myself in liquor, but found no will power to do so. if only i was stronger. i don't want to fall into pits anymore and get trap and expect a kind soul to pull me out of it. i don't want to walk down History road and repeat the same mistake i had made. as conflicting as it may be, i just want to try. forcing myself to unthink the things i have thought...i wouldn't say it'd be impossible but they have already been thought and set free, into the air, into someone's ears, into my heart. i want to run, run away from the reality of this life i'm living. it's tormenting. what a pity. life is great but, there are always buts, and you get stuck cos there is no concrete explanation for these buts. no, i am not desperate. i just want to run away from all of these.

it has been long, like really long. have been busy with school and guess what it's mid-sem already! mid-sem break's just 2 days away(: thank God.

i guess i must be one of those suakus who still use blogger instead of wordpress or livejournal. but well, i'm considering changing to wordpress! finally, i know. paul showed me snippets of how wordpress works. pretty impressive, i must say. well, anw, so many things have gone on the past few months. pretty exciting things coming up too! gee(:

cny 2011 was pretty much family oriented as always, but this time toward's mom's side. our short getaway to KL did us much good through family bonding and we got to play mahjong more this round! not much shopping tho): nvm, there's always december sales. work at mandai has pretty much been confined to saturdays only, thought more often than not, i try to spring surprises on my beloved parveeneh and shifu(: <3>

maybe all these time i have been deceiving myself, placing myself in a reality that i didn't want to face. thinking about it tonight, i feel delusional. i lull myself into something even i am not aware of and afraid to confront. it's not that i don't want to forget you, my willpower's not that strong. i'm in a quandary.

no longer am i mad at you. has been for a long time. i tried to hate you but i just couldn't. not in a bones and blood to do so. to forgive is to be divine, like God. He forgives our sins. i'm thankful. are you? as nasty as you may be, it's (probably) precisely this quality that makes you so attractive. maybe i have not fallen for you, but for your naughtiness, your imprints and your xxx. suction force, pulls me into your arms and i can't help but think back.

tears. my my, they fall easily. jealousy. a feeling that seeps in unnoticeably. why, yknow, i just want to know why i feel this way. i thought i was void of feelings for you already but no, no, i am wrong. wrong.

puffy eyes, messy hair, my comfort zone; they should bring me to sleep but somehow they make me stay awake tonight. somehow, don't ask me. sleep should do the trick but it won't solve the problem when night falls again the next day. preoccupation. helps to a certain extent but again, won't nip the problem in the bud. so, tell me, what will?

where does this place me when the old woman comes? huh? why do i even care in the first place? why should i care? why does this affect me a great deal? why? she is probably better than i am, physically. why am i so jealous that she gets to go overseas with you? my imagination runs wild. i can only stand and stare at that sight. i want to be numbed.

my happy appearance is a facade altogether. c'est tres sympa cos people are being deceived by me. i'm a big fat, not to mention ugly liar. to myself and to the world.